A close friend of mine, who is also childfree, is getting a vascectomy. He's 31, single, has no desire to have children (doesn't like them much at all), and I honestly can't see kids fitting into his lifestyle. To him I say, BRAVO. People tell him this will kill his chances of dating, but he doesn't want to date a woman who has or wants children, anyway, so I say it's helping him thin out the dating pool. But he recommended this to my husband.
And I froze.
We don't want children. I am sure this will not change in the future -- it doesn't fit with the plan, and we've talked a LOT about it. Kids make me miserable, and I don't care if "it's different when they're your own." Yes, it's different when it's kids I care about, but it's still a life sentence. I can still only handle my favorite kids for hours at a time, if that. If I'm tired at work because I didn't sleep, let it be because I had a good time with my friends or my husband last night, not because I was being manipulated by a teething toddler who's learned that if he cries enough, he gets to come into mommy and daddy's bed and watch The Wiggles at 2:30am.
But to do something so permanent?
I'm 95% sure I think the procedure would be a good idea. Imagine, no more stressing about it. It would be done!! What a way to no longer worry about "accidents happen!" I'm not so worried about me changing my mind, but him changing his mind. That's always been the biggest worry about us, that someday he'll go back to where he was when we met, to thinking four little ones running around is the kind of life for him.
He's been a pseudo-step-dad before with his ex, so he knows the sacrifice involved and doesn't like it. Then, when we met, I showed him a life filled with fun and friends, the promises of traveling. He's also seen his nephews grow up to be far more than we could ever dream of handling. He's seen the sacrifices our friends have to make now that they have children, and I believe him when he says he doesn't want it. But it's still hard feeling like I've talked him into being childfree.
So why not get the vascectomy? Because I don't want him to have buyer's remorse and regret it, to resent me for "making" him do it. Yes, it can be reversed, but it's not so much the fact that I fear we'll change our minds, but moreso that taking away the final option seems so... final. That's not the sort of thing you want to regret the next morning.
2 comments:
Question: if someone offered you a quick, easy sterilisation would you take it? I know that they do sterilisations for childless women over 25 easily in the UK, plus there is a new technique that is quicker, easier and less expensive. You said you liked travelling...
I would consider it, actually, but I'd need to research it quite a lot to check into safety of the procedure and whatnot. It would probably be too expensive -- at least the vascectomy would be covered by insurance.
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