tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148164432024-03-07T03:38:19.647-08:00Childfree Me – Reflections on my choice to be childlessStashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.comBlogger194125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-17640563367013495282015-01-08T04:53:00.000-08:002015-01-08T05:16:51.276-08:00Semantics
This is a letter I've decided not to send, and it breaks my heart that I've decided it's just not worth sending. Once again, the same couple friends got into a semantic discussion about the word "childfree" and how, in their eyes, it means something inherently negative. They said they view people who define themselves by the "lack" of something with suspicion, but were quick to point out that Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-66587847190466732382014-05-30T12:12:00.000-07:002014-05-30T12:12:06.224-07:00JuxtapositionI learned today that my formerly childfree ex-husband now has a son with his current wife. We split up back in 2000, and it was more of a breakup than a divorce, but it hurt at the time. I'm long over it, but always curious about where he's ended up. The woman who is now his wife despised me when we were still on good terms. She went so far as to forbid him from talking to me because she was Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-41540929210937086182014-05-13T17:20:00.002-07:002014-05-13T17:20:33.496-07:00I'm Not Your Thoughtless Childfree FriendYou know that character, right? The shitty childfree friend who keeps sending invitations to my friends to rub it in their faces that they can't do the exciting things I can do because WOO! I'm a DINK with disposable income! The one in all the articles that go viral about childfree women being thoughtless and inconsiderate of their friends with kids.
I'm not that woman. I'd wager that most of Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-70926412762686802432014-04-24T09:03:00.003-07:002014-04-24T09:05:39.683-07:00Oh Bother
4. Also you are so happy with your decision..then why are you giving justifications to the world...no one is bothered!
These are the comments that make me laugh. People who ask this, who presume I'm writing justifications, who think that writing about my experiences means I'm overcompensating are missing one key point:
I'm not writing this for you.
I'm writing this for myself, and for the Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-35781742843939495812014-03-24T23:04:00.001-07:002014-03-24T23:05:54.731-07:00What If Things Were Different?Sometimes I wonder whether, if I married someone else, or if my husband and I followed a different paths, if I would have ended up having kids. I should note from the start that I'm not seeing this through the lens of regret. Quite the contrary. "What if" isn't always a sad, regretful scenario. I am extraordinarily lucky to have had the opportunities I've had, and there is no regret here.
It's Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-20508547754721078472014-02-11T22:48:00.002-08:002014-02-11T22:55:07.122-08:00"I used to be just like you." Boy, do women love saying this to me. The love telling me how they never wanted kids, that they were workaholic professionals and hey, they still are, but they managed. They tell me how motherhood changed them, adjusted their priorities.
And I listen.
I smile.
And I say, "that's wonderful for you. But I'm happy with my life as it is."
And she sighs, disappointed that it's not up for Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-14789886618915118472014-01-07T21:25:00.001-08:002014-05-13T17:06:38.612-07:00Love and LossA few weeks ago, I lost my beloved cat. Her death didn't just blindside me; it devastated me.
We have three other cats, of course, but she was so special. We had a bond like I've never experienced with another animal. Hell, I've never experienced it with another person. The cancer moved quickly, and we didn't see it coming. She wasn't even five years old. I could not have loved her more Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-24602935894356335562013-12-09T23:37:00.003-08:002013-12-10T00:34:42.726-08:00Talking About IdentityI spent much of the weekend with girlfriends who are moms, but among the more understanding moms I know. That's why it was so weird to me when, during a conversation about female characters in literature and film, I froze when my friend asked me this:
If a character was more like you, what would she be like?
I froze. Like an idiot I froze. The real answer? I don't have a maternal instinct. I Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-15085453792055143572013-11-19T23:53:00.000-08:002013-12-10T00:27:46.179-08:00The Sick KidsThe 6-year-old son of a friend-of-a-friend passed away yesterday. His older brother has the same fatal, degenerative disease that he has and probably won't make it much past 10 years old, if that.
These are the kids no one tells you about when they're trying to convince women like me that motherhood is amazing. I know motherhood is amazing. It's not as if I doubt every woman who says they love Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-86634766513729187322013-09-23T19:31:00.001-07:002013-09-23T19:49:23.315-07:00The Other F Word"The Other F Word" is a documentary about punk rock dads, discussing how some of the icons of punk are reconciling fatherhood with their anti-authoritarian history. It's more than good. It's brilliant. Flea (Red Hot Chili Peppers) made me cry. It's a story about how, for some people, parenthood changes them completely. It's on Netflix. You should watch it.
This is the bit of parenthood that Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-25941359635598495032013-09-11T19:55:00.000-07:002013-09-23T19:55:52.896-07:00The New GirlAny reservations I had about my friends' new foster (soon to be adopted) daughter have been unwarranted, and I couldn't be happier. She's a super cool kid and is fitting in with the family like she's always been there. We've been traveling with this couple for years, and while her presence certainly changed the dynamic on our recent trip, she really did feel part of the family. It was really coolStashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-83435649515547099052013-08-12T16:17:00.002-07:002013-08-12T16:17:36.459-07:00Best Laid Plans (revisited)"I have these little panic attacks when I think that I could have missed out on having him. I love him so much it hurts."
I love that my friend, childfree one who accidentally got pregnant, is falling into being a mom and loving it. I didn't want her to be a childfree horror story, the one people hold up and say "yup, see, this is why we're making the right decision." But when she talks about Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-83780676322890967592013-07-29T23:08:00.000-07:002013-07-29T23:13:22.730-07:00"We'll just adopt…" A couple we're very close to is adopting an older child next week, and it's weirding me out. We've adjusted to the new mom thing with many friends by now, but this time instead of an infant entering everyone's lives it's an 11-year-old girl. She's already almost my height, and she has a personality that's all her own. A few years in the foster system have left her a little immature for her age, Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-19566328213504319902013-07-22T15:07:00.001-07:002013-07-22T22:44:03.682-07:00Why I Do ThisWhy do still I talk about this, after 7 years of doing this blog? Because I wish someone told me 7 years ago that this was okay. Because I get letters like this too often to just shut this down:
"Reading your blog gave me so much comfort in knowing that I am not alone
and It has helped me understand issues that I could face in the future.
I am given ridicule for my choice, and not being Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-41686143538853800882013-07-11T08:49:00.003-07:002013-07-11T08:49:58.550-07:00Five Days with a ToddlerI've been staying with friends this week, attempting to work remotely with a toddler running around. I have learned things.
THIING ONE: I can do about 10-15 minutes with the child before I'm bored/annoyed/want to do anything else but wait on her every need, and this is a child I adore. On This American Life, in its Back to School episode, Ira Glass referred to babies (as seen through the eyes ofStashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-49410146647913955832013-05-30T20:45:00.003-07:002013-05-30T20:45:53.923-07:00Best Laid Plans — UPDATELots of people have asked about my friend I referred to in Best Laid Plans.
With a lighthearted laugh she blames it on the chemicals, the oxytocin released at birth. She loves her son. Loves him "so much it hurts. Like literally hurts." Her family thinks she's crazy because this comes as such a surprise to her. "They don't understand that I really did not expect to love my baby."
It's not easy.Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-16657416276249906502013-05-30T20:34:00.003-07:002013-05-30T21:36:43.634-07:00The Harsh RealitiesThere seems to be a movement right now that encourages parents to admit that, on some days, parenting kind of sucks. I think this is a powerful movement, and I know that there's power in being honest with one another. Making struggling parents feel guilty for not enjoying and cherishing every single movement, making them feel like terrible people and parents for wanting to punt their children Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-76222010855287927032013-05-08T00:24:00.002-07:002013-05-08T01:08:45.781-07:00The One Thing That a Woman's Supposed to DoSometimes I watch terrible chick flicks to laugh at them, but What to Expect When You're Expecting was a whole other brand of awful.
On the one hand, it reinforced that I definitely do not want children. I don't see myself in any of their lives. Yes, they're fictional, but I've pretty much known all the women whose caricatures are portrayed in the film, from the breast-obsessed mom to the Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-35409213929182800532013-04-05T22:55:00.001-07:002013-05-30T20:54:02.511-07:00Full Time JobI already have a full-time job. Two, on many days and nights. I work from home, often for very long hours fueled by lots of late night coffee, and because I generally make my own hours, when I can choose my hours I work into the wee hours of the night. I'm a textbook night owl, preferring to work late and wake late.
Because I love my job, my career, this is perfect for me.
The moment I considerStashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-75996787446599347932013-03-19T01:53:00.000-07:002013-03-21T12:05:38.891-07:00It's OkayThe childfree aren't allowed to have doubts. Have you noticed? I've hesitated to call myself "childfree" at times because there are segments of our community that are so hateful toward people who are more open-minded when it comes to the ideas of children and parenthood.
Just because being childfree is a complicated decision for you doesn't
mean that you're some sort of failure to the CF Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-80135136599581794822013-03-13T01:29:00.000-07:002013-03-19T01:29:55.110-07:00It Changes EverythingThere's still no verdict on whether my friend I mentioned in the latest post is going to love being a mom or not. She tells me that she's tired, a lot, and that it's more work than she anticipated, but that he's a good baby and she did fall in love at first sight.
I think that's good news.
But she also said it changes everything, which I've no doubt about. It's the thing I fear the most when I Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-77056520965445007602013-02-22T08:15:00.002-08:002013-02-22T08:20:44.815-08:00Best Laid PlansShe didn't plan this. She planned for this not to happen. She and her fiancé were happily childfree and she'd been religious about taking her birth control since high school. She did everything right.
And she got pregnant.
This is the story of a dear friend who's due to have her son any day now. It sounds like a childfree cliché, a horror story that never really happens. But it did, and it's Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-71980299215771007372013-01-10T02:02:00.000-08:002013-03-19T02:02:38.296-07:00Troll - The Last Word"Wow! I'm very glad you are all childfree. Most of you sound very
uneducated. I can rest well at night knowing women, as ignorant as you
all, are not reproducing. Your species will die off quickly and pain
free."
I hate to give this sad person any airtime and I was so tempted to let it just disappear into the ether, but I want to make sure all of you smart, well-spoken ladies see this Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-14505943448144733942012-10-11T21:44:00.001-07:002012-10-11T21:51:39.013-07:00Without Great Risk…I have several mothers in my life dealing with autistic children, and as a childless woman it's been made clear I'm not allowed to talk about autism and Aspergers. And I get it. I don't believe, as many do, that autism is some horrible affliction that means the end of the world. I think Autism Speaks is a misguided organization and I think the demonization of autism as a terrible disease is Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14816443.post-34041466159752291942012-09-28T23:19:00.002-07:002012-09-28T23:19:25.832-07:00Thirty-FiveIt's a big number. As a rule I haven't really cared much about the numbers, but 35 is a big one and it has me reflecting a lot. I wasn't even 30 when I started this blog and started talking about milestones. In those years I've struggled with losing friends, disappointing family, fighting against my body when it wanted a baby and my brain didn't.
When I started this journey my friends, who were Stashahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15440437922934786574noreply@blogger.com8