The prospect of updating this blog has become very loaded, but I'm at a point lately where I really need to vent about this and I'm needing an outlet desperately.
I've got the baby rabies. Oh, it's not so bad. I know it's my biological clock and I have no desire to have a child because my mind knows what's involved, but I'm at a point right now where I'm actively fighting against my biological urges.
So what brought this on? Well, for starters, my husband and I bought a house. A dream house, to be exact, with tons of space, two fully loaded entertaining rooms and a kitchen that was designed by the empty-nester owners and has proven to be outstanding for entertaining. It's amazing.
Also, one of my best friends is expecting, which means I'm spending a lot of time looking at goodies to buy, hearing about her pregnancy (in a good way — she's been great about it all)… babies are on my mind a lot.
And, lastly and most pressing, it seems, is the expiration of my IUD. I'm faced with needing to either get a new IUD in February. That, or my husband as offered to get a vasectomy. Talk of the vasectomy makes me twitch in a way I never thought possible.
Talking about the baby rabies is something that's taboo among the childfree. We're conditioned to never ever mention that our bodies are sometimes in conflict with our minds, and it's a strange and annoying place to be. My heart and mind know that I don't want to raise a child for all the reasons I've listed a thousand times over. I do not want this for myself. And yet the idea of my husband getting a vasectomy and cutting off that possibility entirely (because right now we're talking about biological children) makes my stomach twitch awkwardly.
The conflict is troubling in a way that's hard to explain. I hate the idea of being pregnant, and suddenly I find myself jealous of my friend's experience. When I look at the prospect of raising a child, especially a baby, it sounds dreadful. And yet I have a physical reaction when my husband and I talk about him getting a vasectomy. I feel a deep, internal sadness that's complete contradiction with the relief I feel at the thought of not having to worry about being pregnant ever again.
I also hate that I can't talk about it without getting "I told you so" looks or commentary, when my mind isn't actually changing. I feel defensive, and worse I feel defensive against myself. It's incredibly frustrating, but it feels really good to just talk about it.