Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Questioning

• Why is it wrong that I feel the need identify myself as "childfree" instead of just saying "I
don't have kids"?
• Is it wrong that the topic comes up constantly among my childfree friends?
• Is the fact that we seek out similar individuals and couples indicative of a larger problem?
• What about the fact that it colours our experiences in public places?
• Are we really just kidding ourselves?

I had it implied to me today that the fact that I am proud to be childfree and it's a major topic of conversation within my marriage and my friendships, that it's indicative of some bigger issue, likely that I really do want kids and I'm trying to talk myself out of it.

Yes, I'm probably reading into it, but I don't think I'm wrong.

Yet instead of saying "f*** you", as I was initially inclined, I decided to think about it.
And y'know what?
A couple hours later, all I want to do is say "f*** you."

Yes, we talk about it a lot. It's a big part of our lifestyle, and it's on the forefront a lot of the time. I don't think it's an issue of overcompensation. I don't think people with kids understand the pressure we're under, both direct and indirect. We talk about it a lot because it's on our minds a lot.

Is there really something wrong with that?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love your site, and I really admire your honesty and courage in putting your life up for everyone to critique.
I too have struggled with the whole concept of motherhood my entire life. I never felt comforable with it; it felt like a looming, smothering blanket that I couldn't escape. My parents had me at the age of 19, so i was much younger than all my cousins, and as a result, was everyone's designated babysitter. Having had that experience, I don't want to make a lifetime commitment to the same thing.

When we got married, we heard the same questions: "so, when are you going to have kids?"....as if it was really anyone's business.

I am 28 now, and have absolutely no desire to have children. I love children, I coach a children's basketball team, I love my nephew, and my friends children, but I don't feel that motherhood is a good fit for me.

I just smile when people talk about when I'll have kids; they can believe that I'll have them all they want. Someday, when I am 40, they will have to accept that I won't ever be a mother, and I know that it will bother then alot more then it will bother me.

I hope that you'll keep blogging. You seem like a genuinly nice and caring person, who supports others choices as much as your own.
Thank you for sharing yourself with the rest of us.
Karla J
karlamariejohnson@hotmail.com

thismomentisyourlife said...

You know, I totally understand what you mean. My husband and I talk about it a lot as well. Right now, we are still trying to decide, but I feel like we are leaning towards no. I'm almost 26 and he is 32. We've been married over 3 years. Neither of us have ever had a strong pull toward children. We both want to travel and sleep late. We don't like 24/7 aspect of it.

But, I've had the same response, "Oh well, for someone who doesn't want children, you sure talk about it a lot." But there are so many societal pressures, that it would be easier to just say "Oh sure, let's have a baby." So, I think we talk about it a lot to remind ourselves that yes, we are doing the right thing for us. I think when you don't have a lot overall support for your opinion you need to talk about it to feel more supported in your opinion.

chrissie said...

I love your blog. My husband and I do not want children. I am 27 and he is 33, we have been together for 5 years. We pretty much always knew this.

Lately I have been correcting people's assumptions - the "when you have kids" and the downright invasive "So when are you two going to have babies?"

We talk about being childfree a lot in regards to these interactions. Typically the other person will look at me like I have 8 heads, tell me I will change my mind, or just act mortally offended. I'm worried that our decision will impact our friendships in the long run. My husband is of the school of thought to just not mention it - it's our business. I think we should own it, but it makes me sad to see my friends slipping away.