Friday, September 30, 2005

What Ifs...

I suppose it's always in the back of my mind (nevermind the taunts that "accidents happen!" from those who surround me), but I wonder what would happen if I found myself pregnant. But only in minutes like those I spent waiting in the doctor's office today does it really become sort of real.

I knew I wasn't pregnant. Good grief, I'm only a week late for my Depo shot, but there's still a very potent tension while you're waiting for those test results, starting down the hall, waiting for the nurse to walk out with your prescription in hand. What would I do?

Honestly, the thought of getting pregnant right now terrifies me like nothing else. Who would I call? Who could I call that would understand that "Congratulations!!!!!" would not be an appropriate response? What would I do? Would I continue the pregnancy and live with the consequences? Would I terminate the pregnancy because this is so not what we want? Would I be able to tell my husband, or would I consider keeping it from him out of fear that he would try to change my mind? These are all questions I've asked myself, and while hypothetical, it's an incredibly difficult situation.

I've long said that I believe in a woman's right to an abortion, but I wouldn't be able to go through it myself. Surprisingly, however, the older I get and the more sure I am about remaining childfree, the more I look at abortion as an escape route from a bad situation. Of course I'm conflicted because I don't meet the arbitrary requirements that make an abortion acceptable -- We're financially secure, our relationship is strong, and we're fit, in the general sense, to raise a child.

Now you're going to tell me it'll be different when it's my own child, right? That if that day would come that I find out I'm pregnant, really I'll be overjoyed and these thoughts will *poof* out of my head, right? But do you understand that the idea of being a parent makes me sick to my stomach? Makes my heart ache, my head dizzy. When I picture a child in my life I get panicked and scared and sick... I'm not "normal", I can admit that. I'm 28 years old, practically a newlywed and the thought of babies makes me squeamish like you would not believe. I cannot, even a little, imagine that changing just because "whoooopsies! guess I'm pregnant now!".

Would I have an abortion if I found myself pregnant? Would I try to hide it from A? Probably not and definitely not; we're partners in life now. I believe every child should be a wanted child, but at the same time I know if it came down to it, we'd deal. But it's still something that gets tossed around in my head at moments like these, sitting and waiting for the test results.

Some of the most wonderful children I've known have been "accidents". My niece, my best friend's little brother... hell, *I* was unplanned too. However, that doesn't mean saying something like "accidents happen!" is encouraging. Yes, my mom dealt great with things (twice over, as she raises my niece), but she has a lot of regrets. I don't want a life full of regrets. The fact is, I don't want an accident to happen. And Gods-willing, it won't.

1 comment:

Margaret said...

I completely understand where you're coming from!