Sunday, September 11, 2005

Ribbons and Bows

I'm unsure if this is a midwestern thing or if everyone knows about this, but apparently if you break a ribbon at your bridal shower, that = one baby. I had been to a bridal shower where this was the case, but I was hoping it wouldn't extend to my family or my fiancé's... no such luck. I ripped the bow off my first gift and heard hoots and hollers all over. "She broke the ribbon!" "You know what that means, don't you!" "That's ONE!"

This continued throughout the unwrapping. I MacGuyvered my gifts out of their intricately wrapped ribbons, much to the dismay of my future grandma-in-law, who wailed loudly "come on, I need LOTS of grandkids!" One particular gift was wrapped so bizarrely in ribbon that my future mother-in-law and my fiancé's aunt both excitedly snapped photographs before I had at it. Success. Success which was met by a bewildered, "I'm sorry, I tried!" from my aunt. Oh brother.

My best friend brought her two-month-old along, and I got to meet him for the first time. I still can't shake the feeling that she still doesn't understand that my desire to remain childfree has nothing to do with not liking her kids. I couldn't stop touching little Nathaniel's soft tiny head, covered in silky, fuzzy hair. He was just to die for. When I offered to hold him while she was loading up her car, she looked at me like I was Chinese. Me, hold a baby? I might catch "babies!" I just wish I could make her understand... it's like the person I need most desperately to support me in this -- my best friend -- still can't separate this issue from herself. I don't know what to do about it.

I know she's sensitive when I post these things -- that's why it's ending up here and not in my LiveJournal. I feel like if I try to make her feel comfortable that she thinks I'm trying too hard... if I tell her how much I adore her sons, that it's not sincere, or that it's a front. I just wish I had some confirmation that she gets it, but the biggest rift we've ever had was when her first son was born; She was hypersensitive about our friends who didn't want children, I said some things I wish I could take back. But I don't think she's ever gotten past that. I don't think she'll ever be comfortable with my adoration for her children, and I think until I change my mind and decide to have kids of my own, my actions with regards to her sons will always be suspect. I just don't know what I can do about that.

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