Friday, October 05, 2007

The Drive to Procreate (+ tangents)

I’m just going to say it, because it’s been on my mind and it’s making me crazy.

I don’t believe in infertility treatments. I also don’t know where to draw the line, but to me it is the ultimate in selfishness to spend a gazillion dollars to have a child that’s biologically “yours” when there are so many children out there who need homes.

That said, I also believe adoption is absurdly expensive and should be made more accessible in order to make it a more reasonable option.

Add this to the list of posts that will lose me friends if spotted by anyone I know.

I have a friend who dealt with infertility for years. I am not minimizing her pain—it was very difficult for her, and this belief of mine does not diminish my joy that she was finally able to conceive and will, in a month, hopefully deliver a healthy baby girl. This is also the friend that told me that the fact that health issues would likely mean I would have fertility problems as well made her feel better about me being childfree because I wasn’t wasting a perfectly good uterus.

I have very mixed emotions about the choice she and her husband made, which is one many make, to put their money toward conceiving a child that was biologically theirs. They were so close to choosing foster care or adoption. They have friends who are going through the process. There was a part of me that wanted to see them make that choice, perhaps to help shatter the whole idea of family being about blood that is battered about with my husband being the “last of the family line”.

There’s a lot of guilt that accompanies feeling this way. I don’t resent this new baby girl (for whom I just bought the most adorable quilt), or her parents, but it brings to light a conflict in my mind.

A huge motivating factor for me, second only to the fact that I have no desire to be a mom, is the fact that there are too many children in this world. I cringe when I hear the Mexican girl in the office talking about her 62 cousins, the children of her father’s 18 siblings. She is one of 7. Yeah. Exactly.

So seriously, we need more children in this world? I have no romantic illusions about adoption. I know it’s hard for many couples to find a child. I know interracial and international adoption both come with their own completely unique sets of problems. I know it’s full of conflict and in no way is it the “easy” alternative. But my god, to go to such trouble just to give birth yourself and to have a part of “you”?

With my complete lack of understanding on this, you can see why I have no business even considering being a mother. I completely don’t get this drive, this desire that’s insatiable until a baby is growing in your belly…

All I can think of is that bit from Aliens…. What’s in-f**king-side me?!… I’m creeped out by pregnancy, I dislike babies and their excretions… it sounds foul to speak of it that way, but I don’t like it. Being pregnant, caring 24/7 for baby, cleaning up *EVERYTHING*... It just sounds like hell….


Anonymous said...

I'm with you on this. I have no desire to have kids, but if in 20 years I'm ready to settle down, I would totally foster or adopt some. And then, I wouldn't want any under 5 years old.

Jeff Janusch said...

Don't forget the possibility of multiple births and congenital deformities associated with fertility drugs. Jeee-sus fuck.

Feh23 said...

I'm with you here too, especially since my betrothed was adopted. I don't see any point in spending gazillions of dollars with the hope of possibly conceiving one's "own child" when one could spend the same amount, or less, to actually have a child. It just shows the selfishness of many parentally-minded people. They're more than willing to go to the ends of the earth and spend piles of money to have something thats "theirs" because they have a notion that they could never love a child that wasn't "Theirs", which kind of to me, makes them unfit to parent ANY children.

Anonymous said...

I think that when so many people think of having children they focus on what it will be like to have a baby, not a five year old, not a ten year old, not a teenager.

It's a bit like kittens/puppies and cats/dogs. When I get a pet I always choose the older animal from the shelter. If I were inclined toward children I would want to foster an older one.

Unknown said...

Adoption is not perfect but an option. If I ever really wanted a baby, I would. I was adopted and all things nasty recently aside, it's been really good. But I know that is not always the case.

Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone here. I also don't like fertility treatments and believe it is the ultimate in selfishness, just to have a babeee that's my DNA. No thanks! I just received an email from a friend who is adopting from another country. I admire him for taking that route, deciding to help a life that is already here instead of just adding to the burden of our planet. On the other hand, in a class I'm taking there's woman with 7 children. I look at her and shake my head. Here in a first world country the amount of resources those 7 children will take up makes me sad.