Monday, July 22, 2013

Why I Do This

Why do still I talk about this, after 7 years of doing this blog? Because I wish someone told me 7 years ago that this was okay. Because I get letters like this too often to just shut this down:

"Reading your blog gave me so much comfort in knowing that I am not alone and It has helped me understand issues that I could face in the future. I am given ridicule for my choice, and not being believed just because of my age is really painful and makes me feel like such a freak for not wanting what everyone else seems to want. I am so glad to find that there are other people out there who feel just like me and face similar issues."
There are some who take the time to hurl insults from behind an anonymous tag, but here's the thing. I'm going to keep writing. I'm going to keep talking about the decision I've made, my 7-year journey, that will be a 10-year journey. I can show what the world looks like through the eyes of a 35-year-old childfree woman. When I was in my mid-20s I needed to see the words of people in their 30s, who were feeling as I was then, to see how they felt in 10 years. Because I had no map. It's the same reason why I'm so excited to meet other childfree women, especially those in their 40s and 50s, who've dealt with the issues I'm dealing with now.

Writing gives me power. Sharing gives us all power. I don't use my actual name for many reasons, but I'm reachable. I am accountable for what I say. Any one who wants to can reach me at I'm crazy busy, so I don't often have time to respond, but I appreciate the letters I get, and I'm open to starting a dialogue with people who want to understand more about why we make the choices we make, and why I blog about it.


Lyz Klein said...

Wow... just saw the comment on your previous post. I think anonymous needs to re-evaluate who is the self-absorbed one here.

I did not write the letter in your post, but I could have. Every word. And I appreciate so much that you keep this blog up, because thoughts of the child-free are hard to find and I'm where you were seven years ago. Freaked out by the feeling that motherhood is required of me and (still) trying to come to terms with the fact that it is NOT. The people who make ignorant comments only prove our point that there is a stubborn and negative stigma to childlessness. It's encouraging to realize there are others on the receiving end of the ignorance, and you're right - writing and sharing is empowering.

Thank you for writing and sharing. Some of us realize and appreciate why you do it.

Anonymous said...

I am 40 this year and very much appreciate your blog. I was never told growing up that it would be totally okay if I never had kids. And I could have used a voice like that in my life. As it is, I search out women irl and online who are both younger and older than I, who have made the same choice as my husband and I have made. We may all have very different reasons for our choice but we have all made this choice, and I know in my heart that it is absolutely right that some people, even loving straight couples, never biologically reproduce. Thanks for writing your blog so that women like me feel less alone and please keep it up!!

Alessandra said...

I will be 45 this year and I knew that I wanted to remain childfree since I was a teenager. Not childless, childfree. By choice. I never gave too much importance to well meaning people telling me that I'd "come around" and "change my mind" as I got older or "when I found the love of my life" or a long list of if's and when's. Only recently have I encountered an insulting criticism of my choice and it floored me. I give no credit to "mommys" that feel misunderstood, underpaid and unappreciated and that choose -as that (coward) Anonymous commenter in your previous post- to judge us for a choice that is as free and respectable as hers was to reproduce and be miserable. I don't think that we have to defend our choice, but I guess in reality we do and having an open and respectful conversation about it is the best way to define our position. Not attacking or judging other people, not calling them names, but simply stating why and how we enjoy our lives without children of our own. Thank you for your blog and keep up the good work, we're here and we need to have a forum like this.

Anonymous said...

Hello, I've just found your blogg and I'm so glad I did x it looks great. Thank you x

Kim said...

I've really enjoyed reading your blog. I have very few people in my life who understand being childfree isn't as simple as just "choosing not to do something, like choosing not to play football or go to the store" as one person said to me. It's also nice to read about the life of a woman who is married and childfree. All the other older childfree women in my life never married.

Anonymous said...

I'm almost 60 and have never wanted children.
I felt pressure from others during my child bearing
years as we all have. No thanks.
Relationships have ended or never got off the ground, they wanted children.
It all seemed to me so much drudgery. If you are
rich you can hire nannies, but for the rest of us our
lives are over with children. We become "mommy".
I had one life. I wanted it to be mine. It is.

Anonymous said...

I used to want kids, just a daughter, actually. But my reasons for wanting this daughter were SO stupid. I basically wanted to buy shit for her (I love rummage sales and clearance shopping) and to be able to see what 'my child' would look like. And I wanted her because its easier to make friends in your 30s when you're a mom. I basically planned to use my kid to help me make new friends through mom groups. There are a jillion mom groups in my city... and only one for childfree. Long story short... after realizing my reasons for wanting a kid were purely selfish... I decided I better not have that kid after all. Because seriously... if my dream daughter had been a boy.. I'd have been pissed! So its better I just have my little dog.