Friday, April 27, 2007

Just a Shout-Out Full of Thanks

Comments like these, and so many that you all post, are the reson I do this blog. I write to find that I'm not alone, but it's not often I get a comment that is not just so unbelievably supportive and full of great advice (you all do that for me!)... I literally could have written this entire comment. I'm working on a post about the precedence of "changing minds" when it comes to marriage, inspired by Tanya's comments.

Thanks again to all of you. When we support each other, we make it easier for everybody. I know I don't always reaspond to comments because I don't like that it doesn't sent a note to let you know I've responded, but I read them all and am touched often.

------Tanya's comment-------
Join the selfish club. I'm a member too and proud of it.

For many of the same reasons as you, my husband and I do not want kids. Going without a drink for 9 months is not horrible, but why do it if I don't have to?

"You'll change your mind" is getting tossed at me more and more because I always said I would NOT get married and I did. Dang. Changed my mind. If I did it once, I will do it again, right? WRONG! My anti-marriage stance was more "if it never happens, I won't be heartbroken" than "I will NEVER EVER NEVER EVER marry a boy. Ick!" My anti-child stance is definately "NEVER EVER".

At the moment, my husband and I have a "get out of marriage" free deal wherein if one of us gets clucky and wants a baby, the other can leave the marriage scot free. I like my husband a lot. I don't want to be without him. I have a choice...babies or him. I choose him.


poetchiki said...

I find myself hearing the "you don't know hwat you're saying;of course you want a baby" response. I don't want a baby or a child at all, I could hardly stand kids when I was one. My husband has decided that we're going to wait 10 years (he's 30, I'm 28) and then reevaluate. I think this may be partially becuase his parents had him and his sister when they were older (in their late 30's,early 40's). I am staying firm in my decision though...I love my life the way it is and I love having the ability to come and go as I please and do things that interest me. Does that make me a selfish person?

ashley said...

Hey poetchiki, if knowing what you want out of life and not wanting that life to be burdened with children makes you selfish, then I'm selfish, and all of the childfree people I know are, too. The point is, that humans by nature are selfish, especially those who are child-burdened. Ask a childed person sometime why they reproduced, and see if they give you one answer that doesn't start with "I wanted..." We're all selfish, the difference is that the selfishness of the childfree doesn't affect anyone else's life. We don't push children into ballet and soccer because we wanted to be stars at those things and couldn't. We don't take credit for a child's accomplishments because we're the ones who "raised" it. And we don't play the martyred victim so a grown child will take care of us when we're old instead of dumping us in a nursing home (which is apparently quite unlikely to work, anyway...nursing homes are a growing business in this world!). If you like to sleep in late on the weekends (and who doesn't?), who is it hurting? If you're pursuing a challenging, rewarding career instead of reproducing, who is it hurting? And if you're in school, getting an advanced degree in a field you love (like me!), who is it hurting? All humans are selfish, but the childfree can be selfish and happy without having to worry about harming a child with it.

P.S. Tiara, thanks for the thanks...that sounded funny. Being a childfree person is considerably easier when you have a support network of CF friends. ;-)

Tanya said...

I'd like someone to REALLY define selfish for me, please.

Selfish (Self"ish) (?), a.:Caring supremely or unduly for one's self; regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others.

I do not supremely or unduly care for myself and myself alone. I care a great deal about others. I love my husband/friends/family with my whole heart and will do just about anything to make them happy.

People who have children, in some cases, do so with total disregard for the expense of others. Having children, in this day and age, is a massive burden on our society, our environment, our earth. Not everyone who has kids is selfish and not everyone who does not have kids is selfish.

Ask someone who has kids WHY they have kids. As Ashley said, "I wanted..." or "I needed...." come close to being the top reasons. Bringing a child into this world CAN BE very selfish. There are thousands of children in this world who need good loving homes and these people who wish to be parents could adopt.

Raising healthy, happy, productive members of society is not selfish. Sadly, this is not the case for many parents. They are raising spoiled, entitled, selfish children.

Choosing to live your life how you want to, how it makes you happy is not selfish. I teach high school. I am trying my best to help kids develop into normal, lovely human beings to face the world at large. Is that selfish of me?

Sorry...this got a bit long. :S

Thank, Tiara. Your blog has been a great read for me. I wish you and your husband all the best.

Acolyte said...

"You'll change your mind"
Seems everyone knows what I want but me. Whenver I say I dont want kids everyone else gives me that phase! Urrrrrrrrrrgh!
That aside, I love your blog!

Anonymous said...

I ran across an interesting article about psychology behind having kids:

Would love for you to read it and post your thoughts.

Vetnurse said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you...this is the best way I can sum up my accidental discovery of your blog. My husband and I have been together 10 years and married for 7; in the beginning it was when were we having kids. It died down as we expressed "never". However, it has reared it's ugly head younger sister is pregnant, and we have to complicate this with a wedding. I actually have family members disgusted with me that my sister is pregnant first. (but they are disgusted with her because she isn't married yet--so it all evens out).
I married my husband because I want to be with him. I don't HAVE to. I'd HAVE to be with the kids...

I rather enjoy giving them auntie suits me well.

Thanks again!