I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling awful all day. I'm currently writing a novella for National Novel Writing Month with a childfree theme and I've been doing a lot of research. I suspect my über-emotional state has to do with a few things:
1) Reading too much about infertile women, and miscarriage stories to ensure I do right by one of my characters
2) Too many friends announcing pregnancies, births, and feeling like my "congratulations" are considered suspect
3) Reading too much about clucky girls and women, who want babies desperately
It's hard to describe the sensations in my body, and part of me wonders if this is akin to the biological urge that so many women give into without consideration. I don't want to say it's the "my body wants a baby" thing, because I've never felt that and I'm really not okay with feeling that, and my brain certainly doesn't want a baby, but yet I've got this uneasiness, noticing babies everywhere — not with desire, merely seeing them. I suspect it's because I've immersed myself in thinking about it and I've been trying to put myself in the mindset of the clucky girls, but I'm incredibly uncomfortable.
I feel like I need to research childfree women who either (a) deny or redirect "maternal" feelings because they know children don't fit into their life for one reason or another, or (b) have a situation where their body wants a baby but they adamantly do not.
Part of me wants to abandon this book because I'm feeling so weird. It's got me thinking entirely too much and I really don't like the way I'm feeling. It's like a combination of guilt and terror. I'll freely admit I have an irrational fear of baby rabies; I don't want babies, period, and neither does my husband. I've seen too many people give into the baby rabies, wanting to have a baby but not wanting to raise a child, if that makes sense. And while I don't think that's what it is, whatever the hell it is I want it to go away. I think I'm just getting too close to all the emotion.